If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
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Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
WHO DID THIS?
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.