I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
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only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
[shakes fist at other fist]
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.