DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
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No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.