Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
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Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
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And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Just me?
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities