shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
You Might Also Like
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
#Caturday
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.