I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
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Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ