The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
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Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs