We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
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I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Best spot.. 😅
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit