[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
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Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback