“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
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Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
monday
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
🐕🍷
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*