All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
You Might Also Like
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
another case of gang violins
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus