Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
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8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Milk Cube
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.