One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
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Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.