OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
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[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
where the womens at?
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?