So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
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Mistakes were made
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Golf would be better with landmines.
giddy up Office Depot
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids