Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
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*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
How to properly lift a body
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.