He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
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Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
excuse me
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”