Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
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*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Am I having a stroke?
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.