ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
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Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Just me and my debit card against the world
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”