SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
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Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.