New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
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People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME: