My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
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Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
They did not miss in the small print
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
This trial is so absurd 😭
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you