Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
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Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
OH. COME. ON.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.