Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
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AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.