I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
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Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Natty or not?
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!