Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
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When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?