pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
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Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.