Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
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“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”