Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
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Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.