1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
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me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”