INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
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True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Tammy is short for Tamuel
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Breaking news:
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.