My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
You Might Also Like
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?