Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
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At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign