this could fix me
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THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
That eye roll….
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”