If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
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Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Not today, today.
Not today.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
School be like
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe