[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
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Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
don’t be scared
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children