Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
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MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.