5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
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Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Terribly Tuesday.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.