It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
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Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.