But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
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Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.