birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
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I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.