It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
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[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Planet of the Apps.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.