“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
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Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.