Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
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The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.