Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
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The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*