Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
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If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
the world’s most popular steaming services
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.