Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
You Might Also Like
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.