Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
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If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Only Americans understand
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Sorry not sorry.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face