Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
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I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’