client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
You Might Also Like
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.